


My Evan Hansen

by HenceNothingRemains



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Cannon Divergent, Ghost Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Idiots in Love, Jared Kleinman Is Bad at Feelings, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining, SINCERELY ME, Songfic, The actual ship for this fic is kleinsen, The only reason treebros is listed is because Jared tries to live vicariously through Connor, romance au, this is the AU where they write the emails like Jared wanted to, writing emails
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-23
Updated: 2018-11-30
Packaged: 2019-08-27 22:09:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16710955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HenceNothingRemains/pseuds/HenceNothingRemains
Summary: An email that was never meant to be written, a relationship that never existed, and a crush on a boy he never dreamed could be his. Evan Hansen is about to get the one thing he’s always wanted: a chance to live his best life. But is it really his best life if it costs him everything he's ever loved?Or, the world of DEH takes a sharp turn when Jared's line about Connor rubbing his nipples convinces Evan to incorporate that into his trail of lies.





	1. Insincerely, Me

_Dear Evan Hansen, we've been way too out of touch. Things have been crazy, and it sucks that we don't talk that much-- but I should tell you that I think of you each night. I rub my nipples and start moaning with delight!_

"Why would you write that?"  
"I'm just trying to tell the truth!"  
Evan shot his eyes downward. He thought to take control of writing the letters himself, and stop the stupid games Jared was playing with him. But something, in the pit of his stomach, told him to let it happen. To let this obscene email be written.  
"You think the Murphys would want to read this?"  
"Evan, you're ridiculous. Just, let's keep going."  
"Yeah, okay."

_I gotta tell you, life with out you has been hard._

Jared looked down at the screen. This was finally, _finally_ something he could be a part of. He was needed for something, and the person who needed him was Evan. Evan, who never even took Jared seriously, had asked _him_ to write the emails.

_I gotta tell you, life without you has been ~~hard~~ bad._

An unimpressed look from Evan motivated Jared to change the line again.

_I gotta tell you life without you has been ~~bad~~ rough._

Looking up at Evan, who stood above him, Jared flashed a mischievous smile.  
"Kinky."  
Evan tried to turn his head and hide the blush on his face, but it didn't matter. Jared was already focused on writing the email again _._

_And I miss talking about life, and kissing you._

"Jared, seriously, I don't think Cynthia and Larry would appreciate--"  
"Oh, no, old people eat this shit up. Trust me."

_I like my parents._

Looking up for approval (and finding none), Jared quickly erased the line he just wrote, replacing it with this:

_I LOVE my parents, but each day's another fight. If I stop smoking CRACK then everything might be alright._

"Crack?!"  
"What's wrong with that?"  
"How about, I don't know, 'smoking drugs'?"  
"Smoking drugs?"  
"I don't know, just fix it!"

_If I stop smoking pot, then everything might be alright.  
I'll take your advice-- try to be more "nice." I'll turn it around, wait and see._

The two boys saw the words begin to flow on the page, without fail, as if they were dictated by Connor himself. By time the email was finished, Jared had fallen into a sort of daze. Like he had synced up with Connor's soul, and wasn't completely his own person anymore.

"So. Are we going to do another?"  
"You want more?"  
"Well, I just want to show that I was a good fr-- er, boyfriend, you know?"  
"Oh my god." Jared struggled to stifle a laugh. He hadn't expected Evan to be so eager about this fake romance.  
Jared stood up, gesturing for Evan to take his place.  
"It's your turn."

_Dear Connnor Murphy,  
Yes, I also miss our talks. Stop doing drugs, just try to take deep breaths and go on walks._

The flow of the keyboard soon found Evan as well, but instead of feeling as though he was someone else, Evan finally felt like he was himself. He felt like he had a friend who wouldn't care who he was, and that this was the life he was meant to live.

_I'm sending pictures of the most amazing trees._

"No." Jared immediately responded. He'd be dammed if he was going to let the work he put into the last email go to waste due to this ridiculous line.

_~~I'm sending pictures of the most amazing trees.~~  
You'll be obsessed with all my forest expertise._

"Absolutely not!"  
Evan sighed quietly, hoping his exasperation wasn't completely obvious to Jared.

_Dude, I'm proud of you._

"Dude? This is your boyfriend!"  
"I-I don't know what I would call him."  
"Well, if I was your boyfriend, I'd expect you to call me 'babe' or something, at _least_."  
A few moments of silence passed before Jared began talking again.  
"But I'm not your boyfriend. I'm not gay."  
A few more seconds passed before Evan turned back to the computer screen.

_Babe, I'm proud of you. Just keep pushing though. You're turning around, I can see!_

Several emails and several awkward exchanges later, the two boys had a file full of drafts.  
"Well? We done?" Jared asked quietly.  
"Maybe one more, just for good measure."  
"Sure."  
Jared told himself he was doing this for the car insurance. 

 _Dear Connor Murphy,_  
_All that it takes is a little reinvention. It's easy to change if you give it your attention. All you gotta do is just believe you can be who you wanna be._  
~~_Sincerely_~~  
_Miss you dearly!_  
_Sincerely, me_

Jared and Evan locked eyes and nodded, feeling obligated to shake hands or something. For fear of making it more awkward then they both had already, though, neither attempted to.  
"See you at class tomorrow, Jared?"  
"Yeah, I guess."


	2. Tell Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He kept it all inside his head; what he saw he left unsaid.

"Why are you in my brother's room?" Zoe's voice pierced Evan's train of thought. He glanced at her, then back to his surroundings. Connor's room felt less like reality to him than anything else that was currently happening. A few months ago, or even a few weeks ago, he had doubted he'd ever find a family. But something inside him pushed him towards the Murphys, and as if by fate, they happened to have one empty spot. One empty spot, Evan thought, might have just been waiting for him.   
"I was just waiting for--"  
"Don't your parents get upset that you're here all the time?" Zoe responded, ready with an army of questions for the boy who'd invaded her home.   
"Well, it's not like I'm, I'm not here all the time..."  
"Just two nights in a row." _Two nights of torture_ , Zoe specified the comment in her head. _After sixteen years of my life revolving around Connor, now his secret boyfriend has to show up and continue the cycle._   
"Well. It's just my mom and she works most nights. Or she's in class. And my dad is, um... he lives in Colorado. He left when I was seven. So. He doesn't really mind either." Evan tried to ignore the abrupt ending of his explanation. He thought Zoe probably did the same, because she didn't look as confused as he felt.   
"Your parents," Evan continued, "they're really great."  
"They can't stand each other. They fight all the time."  
Evan was a little hurt by Zoe's painfully honest words. To him, it seemed like she wasn't even registering the weight of what she said. Evan was desperate for a change of subjects. A million possibilities raced through his head at once, but he couldn't grasp a single one. He searched Zoe's face for a new topic, but before he could open his mouth, she had already began to ask him a question. A very, very anticipated question, which Evan had not thought of an answer to.   
"Why did he say that? In his note? 'Because there's Zoe. And all my hope is pinned on Zoe. Who I don't even know and who doesn't know me.' Why would he write that? What does that even mean?"  
Evan's train of thought turned into a train _wreck_.   
"Oh. Um..." He started slowly, stalling for time. "Well, I guess-- I'm not sure if this is definitely it, but he was always..." _Stall. Think_. "He always thought that, maybe if you guys were closer--"  
"We weren't close."  
 _Excuse_. "No, exactly. And so he used to always say that he wished that he was. He wanted to be."  
"So you and Connor, you guys would talk about me?"  
"Sometimes. I mean--"  
"Really? On your dates?" Zoe's brow furrowed.   
"Oh! That. No. Not on dates. Just, you know, just at school."  
Zoe looked skeptically at Evan. "You would talk about me _at school_?"  
"Yes, we would, because there's this thing you do." _Stall. Think. Excuse_. "Whenever you have a solo. In jazz band. You close your eyes and you get this-- you probably don't even know you're doing this. But you get this half smile. Like you just heart the funniest thing in the world, but it's a secret and you can't tell anybody." _Keep thinking_. "But then, the way you smile, it's sort of like you're letting us in on the secret, too."  
The words weren't reaching Zoe. Evan sensed it, and decided to start over.   
"He said there's nothing like your smile. Sort of subtle and perfect and real."  
Zoe felt the impact of those sentences like a mallet. Evan continued.   
"He said you never knew how wonderful that smile could make someone feel. And he knew, whenever you get bored,"  
Zoe's eyes looked hopeful. Evan wracked his brain for the next lie, but to be perfectly honest, he couldn't remember very many details about Zoe. Just the jazz band solos, those solos, because she was so captivating in her performances.   
"You hum a tune, or sometimes you will sing?"  
"What?"  
"I mean, not that, it's just, once he saw you humming, so he figured."  
"Whatever. Did he mention anything else?"  
"Yeah, he noticed that you still fill out the quizzes..."  
Evan looked at Zoe for any once of encouragement. Again, she looked at him like he was on the right track. Anything to get out of this room that felt like it was getting smaller and smaller.   
"That they put in those teen magazines?"  
A smile appeared, though barely visible, on Zoe's face.   
"But he kept it all inside his head. What he saw, he left unsaid. And though he wanted to, he couldn't talk to you... in the right kinda way. But he would always say..."  
Evan fumbled for another sentence, one word at a time. Phrase by phrase, he spilled out what he thought was slightly coherent, and possibly made her feel better. Then, remembering something he was 97% sure Zoe did, he continued his story.   
"He though you look super awesome-- you looked pretty cool when you put indigo streaks in your hair."  
"He did?"  
"And he wondered..." _Stall. Think_. "How you learned to write, like, the best text messages and emails."  
There was a confusing silence. Then, Zoe began to talk, sensing the need for Evan to gather his thoughts.   
"But we were a million worlds apart. He just seemed... so far away."  
"He kept it all inside his head," Evan said, cutting her off. "What he saw, he left unsaid."  
"It's like I don't know anything."  
"And how do you say 'I love you?'"  
"Huh?"  
Evan took a step back.   
"He asked me, how do I say 'I love you.'"  
Zoe turned her eyes down. "He... he really cared about me, didn't he?"  
"But we're a million miles apart. And I don't know how I would even start." Evan kept eye contact with Zoe, but he felt like he was seeing past her, a million miles ahead.   
"Evan, do you--"  
"If I could tell him. If I could--" Evan immediately stopped himself, smacking a hand over his mouth at the realization of what he just said.   
"Evan, I thought you were talking about me. What the hell does--"  
"Oh. I, uh, I didn't mean to say that. I'm sorry. I just, I was just thinking about, you know, uh..."  
The tensions rose, until Zoe couldn't bear the silence anymore.   
"Evan, why are you here?"  
"I think you already asked me that..."  
"I want the truth."  
 _Think. Explain_. Evan began to think, but no lies were forming. Only horrible, rotten truths.   
"Dinner's ready, guys." Cynthia's voice suddenly called the two from the other room. Neither of the two dared break eye contact, like an unspoken game of chicken. Evan hated every second of it, but as far as he could tell, so did Zoe. "Guys?" Cynthia asked again, louder.   
"Tell them to eat without me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for the positive feedback on the last chapter! I'd love to hear more about what you think down below. Now, for an important question...
> 
> Is this format working? I was very confident with the first chapter, but this one feels like it's missing something. Are y'all feeling that, too? I'm probably going to do the next one with "Disappear," which (although currently still in the revision stage) I think will have much more plot advancement. The song I'm looking forward to most is "Good For You," though, so I hope y'all are excited for that one, too. 
> 
> Note: Hey, I know I skipped "Requiem." It didn't have any sort of room for development of the protagonists, so I cut it. That's why this chapter took so long-- it wasn't supposed to be out for another week, but I wanted to keep the updates consistent after the removal of "Requiem." Hopefully I can keep the updates coming, but running two different stories at once is already taking its toll on me. 
> 
> Hey, that reminds me! You should go read the other DEH fanfiction series that's just started. There's only one chapter out right now, but the second should be coming out sometime tomorrow. See you then!
> 
> And to close of this unnecessarily wrong note, I just wanted to say thanks again for all of the kindness. It means a lot to me-- more than you know.


End file.
